Talkie Monologue
by Zombie Kitty
Summary: Well it's a monologue... By Talkie... Was very bored. Was a one shot but Sian is pursasive. COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Red Dwarf - heck I don't own anything Dwarf except a few DVD's and the small red dwarf that lives under my bed - Very lively after a few chocolate bars he is and people come from miles around to put money on the Red Dwarf V Tini... I'd give him a name but it's more confusing and its cool - RD, ZK & Tini!

Ahem Well I was bored - REALLY REALLY bored, but if it brings a some what terrified smile to Sian's face at least, to cheer her up - I'll be happy even if Laura tries to give me the pills again...

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You know people are always so quick to judge me – I can't help who I am – Which Reminds me – Would you like any toast?... No? Fine I'll torture you… What do mean asking if you want toast is torture? You could always have a muffin – Or a waffle – Waffle's are good… Toastaphobe… 

Fine! The toast can come later – like an after speech celebration – And don't you dare leave in the interval, I have 20 plates of bread related items that need to be devourered… Is too a word! Is shown dictionary …smart arse.

Anyway I am here to tell you about the show Red Dwarf – Mostly because it's in my contract… Ok, ok – Jeez lawyers are so bossy! Speaking off screen This better count towards my community service!... Right well Red Dwarf is a ship – A really big ship, a really big red ship. And it flies in deep space because after the smeghead killed everyone with dodgy repairs, the computer – a complete weirdo by the way, forgot to turn the ship around – Or do anything productive.

Life hasn't always been easy for me, I was purchased by Dave Lister, a man who would be given a major achievement award if he chose to wash his socks for once. He unfortunately turned out to be the sole survivor from the accident, which is bad because I think been in stasis really turned him anti-bread! He has a few companions – the smeghead who killed everyone in hologram form… I don't really like him – he can't eat so where's the conversation? Excuse me but would you like some toasted oxygen today? – I don't think so! And there's the computer – Holly! Blah – I've spent 3 million years with him and he was boring from the first 10 seconds onwards… Doesn't eat toast either – Real bummer – Stopped pestering him though after the incident with the skutters and the John Wayne replica ball bearing hand gun.

The Cat, what can I say about him? He prepared a whole list of cue cards but I accidentally toasted them so here – He is an egotistical maniac being, evolved from a cat Lister snuck aboard Red Dwarf, kinda why he got frozen. Anyway Cat's cool, his suits are sharp but how dare he blow off an offer of toast because of crumbs… Good singing voice though…

Ah Dave Lister, how to sum up my feelings towards him in the simple words? 'I HATE HIM!' Hey that worked kinda well, I've asked him if he wants toast or any kind of toasted bread product 574 times in the past 3 days – He's said no to ALL of them! I'd go and ask him again but he's been after me with a welding mallet for the last two hours… Smeg! My toasty senses are tingling – He's coming this way, better wheel off somewhere else, Thanks Rachael – For an airhead you're a good listener – even if you can be rude!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own THE Red Dwarf, but the dwarf under my bed is taking wrestling bookings for pub parties.

Well guess it's not a one shot any more - it's a duel shot!... Sounds like a new kind of gun ammo... Maybe I could patent it and sell it to Capcom for the next Resident Evil game? (Second chapter written on request for Sian)

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Hey! I just left Rachael, so now I'm going to hang out with you guys – You don't think I'm noticeable do you? Hmmmm yes I suppose a medium sized talking red toaster in a cage filled with laboratory mice... dead labratory mice, isn't the best hiding place in the world, but then again – This is LISTER we're talking about here! 

It's stupid really I mean, so what if I asked if he wanted toast 574 times?... Well 575 – He caught up to me a few corridors back but you see he can't get his big fat self through air vents!  
So I pissed off a pregnant man! You'd think he's be glad for the toast, what with all the cravings and smeg, but NOOOOOOOOO! It's despicable! He's so cruel to me! I mean I toast therefore I am, That's my motto! Look I know I shouldn't have said that's Lister's was 'I smell therefore I am' but he takes lack of hygiene to a whole new level!

So he has raging hormones and two kids with heads the size of basketballs growing in his stomach – Think of all the crumbs that get left in the bottom – it took almost 1.2 millennia for me to get my acrobatic skills perfect so I can roll off the tale in Lister's quarters, spin round in mid air, tip the crumbs into Lister's laundry basket then land neatly on the top bunk – Was it my fault Lister was sleeping that time? It was dark – At least I was all sparkling new for when he next wanted toast… granted that event has never risen but I have hope… Even if my toasty senses are telling me he is coming back with a 10 pound lump hammer - He really shouldn't be lifting heavy equipment in his condition.

Wonder if his children will like toast? Milk dipped in toast – Very nutritious! Anyway I better run – Some people might think that talking to piles of white powder formally known as mice might be a bit… Mental.

Then again I'm not the one wielding a 10 pound lump hammer… I'll go find some places to hide in the Cargo Bays – Gotta be better than this… Smeg – I've got mouse powder stuck to my wheels! That's SO gonna leave a trail!...


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** You know what? I can't be bothered been witty or daft I DON'T OWN RED DWARF OK?

Well Sian's luck has ran out, this 3rd installment is the LAST - NO MORE! - Ha! (Twitches)

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Ok, so maybe the mice cage wasn't the best idea in the world – He's not very good at tracking – maybe he won't notice the tracks… Ok I was wrong – I even went through tonnes of vents! Curse his ship schematics! 

On the other hand the fact I'm now talking to myself might have something to do with it…

Oh well mustn't grumble… Oh a space weevil! Awwww I wonder why it ran away really fast? It's not like I'm annoying or anything!

I wish I was part human – Then I could eat my own toast!... I'm not self absorbed am I? I mean I was given protocols – I can't break them – I don't even want to! I mean if I got past the stage of wanting to serve toasted products and what have I got left? Nothing! – I haven't even got a Silicon Heaven Belief Chip! I guess they never thought a toaster would need religious beliefs… Guess they didn't think I'd be stuck in a place where only two people can physically eat, and neither want toast!

You know I can hear him, well he's panting away like you wouldn't believe – He should have taken the Xpress lift… Ah not safe for pregnant people – Wonder if he would get rid of the hammer if I got Bob to stick a label on me saying "Too Dangerous to be touched by pregnant crazy man in Hawaiian shirt that is hanging open because of bulge"?

Nah – Even he isn't that stupid… Well at least I don't think he is. Oh well I've still got my singing! Ah there he is – maybe instead of toast I should sooth the savage Lister with my voice? – Fly me to the moon and let me play among the - (THUMP) Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaarsssssss! – (THUMP) – Toaaaaaaaaaaaaaast? – (THUMP)

THE END

Ok Sian? It's OVER! Its short, its crap and it is THE END! No more chapters! It's a triple shot because of you and DEAL WITH IT! (Puts on Stasis Leak and relaxes)


End file.
